The internet has their hinterlands in a heezy today over the just-released behind the scenes short of Spike Jonze pretending to smack Kanye West across the face for over-texting. What has ensued is a sideshow of Kanye-haters witnessing their most orgiastic fantasies enacted and gleefully, droolingly soaking it up—a reprise of the true colors unloosed during the Taylor Swift incident. The public vitriol towards Kanye even inspired Pitchfork to refer to it as a “bitchslapping,” which, to us, translates as either they [everyone] newly think of Kanye as belonging to the same lower caste as women, or they [everyone] think of women as belonging to the same lower caste as Kanye. Either way, society, women, Kanye, progressiveness, victims of domestic violence, Rihanna, people who die in barfights, and your mother all lose—as does humor, because to be honest, this shit ain’t that funny. WELCOME TO BUMMER SUMMER! GUY DEBORD AND LUCIFER TAKE ALL!

Yesterday the website for the all-female 2010 Lilith Fair tour launched, and the late ’90s came flooding back. They’re offering a free Sarah McLachlan MP3 but it has little in the way of information, however, with only tour stops—not even dates—and absolutely nothing in the form of a roster. So, in lieu of knowing who will actually tour, we thought we’d make a little Fantasy League of the Main Stage acts, featuring some of the artists that are sure to be on the roster and some that we really really wish were. Feel free to do the same in the comments with your real email address, and whoever comes closest wins a Sarah McLachlan CD and a bag of lavender scented bath salts.

TRIPWIRE’S FANTASY LILITH FAIR LEAGUE

SHOO-INS (PAST-YEAR VETERANS AND/OR like, DUHS):
Sarah McLachlan
Tegan & Sarah
Every female act on Nettwerk
The Indigo Girls
Meshell Ndegeocello
Annie Lennox
P!nk
kd lang
Santigold

LIKELY
Peaches
Feist
St Vincent
Christina Milian
The Slits
Evanescence
Chrisette Michele

IF THEY CAN AFFORD IT
Kelly Clarkson
Taylor Swift
Mary J Blige

WHO WE HOPE WILL BE ON IT IF WE CAN GET FREE TICKETS
Nicki Minaj
Bat for Lashes

Okay, there’s a stab. MAKE YOURS! MAKE IT REAL! FOCUS ON THE RELAXING BATH IN YOUR FUTURE!

Since Chuck Klosterman evolved from a nerdy humorist from the Dakotas to a nationally worshipped figurehead for a very specific breed of blowhardy American male, conditions have become increasingly worse for the animals. And ever since Craig Finn’s The Hold Steady went from a beer-chugging Minnesotan bar band to a Moet-guzzling ensemble of arena-ready performers, a small child’s hamster has died once an hour. Perhaps the only way to stop the poaching of zebras was for Craig Finn and his old pal Tom Ruprecht, writer on David Letterman (whole ‘nother post), to band together to turn Klustramoun’s seminal first book, “Great American Presidents,” into a watchable film starring Natalie Portman, known friend to the animals. Because so little of today’s popular entertainment and culture caters to white males, they are doing us all a service, looking out for the little people. When this film is made the oppressed bepenistacled across America will finally have something that they can relate to. And then, if this plan that Kloosterhein and Finn and Ruprecht have hatched doesn’t actually save the Albanian tree frog from getting iced to extinction by frothy chefs, it will not matter, because an entire breed of person will have been saved. (via P4k)

Everything you thought you knew about “Gossip Girl”’s Penn Badgley being a hugely Hollywood, affected d-baggington is
apparently not true, according to this late-breaking expose with the New York Times. In a recent installment of their “A Night Out With” section, investigative reporter Dave Itzkoff learns that Badgley is not only a somewhat average fellow like any other 22-year-old East Villager—shopping at Other Music, drinking Bud at Mars Bar—he likes decent music! He bought records by RZA and Toumani Diabete! Has he been reading The FADER? At first this news was shocking, but then we thought, perhaps Penn is simply typecast as Dan, because… remember his last emotive coolguy television character, Owen Gregory? No? That was on the Bedford Diaries, the shortlived WB drama about NYC college students, and Penn was sporting some seriously amazing grunge hair during that time. (YouTube evidence after the jump.) And while 21st century grungers don’t generally get along with punks as a matter of principle, as Penn states in the piece, you just have to not be a jerk. We’ll be watching Gossip Girl with a whole new open mind, wondering what other musical gems Badge-O’s got in the crates.

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Even in our most inebriated and/or masochistic mind-spirals, we’ve never attempted to make a mash-up of Emmy Rossum’s lilting Imogen Heap-esque “Slow Me Down” and Counting Crows’ classic dad-jam “Mr. Jones.” Even though it might sound good. Some things should remain sacred. Yet Emmy Rossum, the person, and Adam Duritz, the only man in rock with a dread weave, may in fact be working on their own little mash-up—one that includes actual humans. The recently divorced actor/singer told People that she can “understand” why “chicks dig Adam Duritz” and cites his kindness, creativity and intelligence as reasons why said chicks would be into dude, alluding to the fact that maaaaybe it is she who is into him. The obvious mention would be like, “EW, she is 23, he is 45, and dating him would be like going for Steven Spielberg’s hippie younger brother, mega Phish fan vibes, plus running yr fingers through a DUDE’s weave is just like, not that appealing.” But we’d also like to point out that Emmy Rossum went on tour with Counting Crows and Burning Spear over the summer and therefore is kind of like dating a second-year NYU student with a Nag Champa habit and a closet full of climbing gear. So, as fans of love, we are gonna have to go ahead and briefly co-sign this one, and hope we never have to think about it again. Ever. EVER EVER EVER.