It’s not often that people find themselves wondering how they can be more Heavy Metal. After cranking up Dethklok’s The Dethalbum I had to attempt to rock as hard as these cartoons.
I was sitting in my designated cube at work when I decided to crank this beast up and let the corporate types have a taste of pure thunder and evil. “Murmaider” had me surveying my desk taking inventory on items I could fashion into make-shift weapons should the need arise. I wasn’t going to sit idly by when one of these Mid-west Christians came by and tried to save my soul. There would be blood spilled. The music continued to throb throughout the office.
By the time “Fansong” kicked out its hook of hate, Linda from accounting was in a fist pumping rage so intense she punched a breast-feeding infant off the tit of her mother. Then shit got out of control. At the instant “Thunderhorse” hit the speakers, a Pegasus crashed through the windows of the office. Troy from sales tore his shirt off and jumped on the beast where he proceeded to ride it full speed into a wall of dynamite, just to prove he was a man. Between diesel screams of “Hatredcopter,” demons emerged from hell and all slam-danced in the break room, leaving it well represented in its name. Duncan Hills coffee would be the only beverage served other than blood from now on. Piloting chariots pulled by flaming bears ridding elephants we caught up to the “Murdertrain a Comin’.”
I blacked out and woke in my apartment covered in sweat, other people’s blood, and missing all my shirtsleeves. It was rumored I ate an entire church. I can’t say your experience will be the same, but it will be intense.
“Duncan Hills Coffee”
