According to venerated news magazine US Weekly (both Fair and Balanced,) Edward Louis Severson III aka Eddie Vedder aka Pearl Jam’s piece de resistance aka our future baby’s father is GETTING HITCHED for the second time to that woofy skeeball of a model who APPARENTLY mothered his two only children. Our dreams of husbanding Vedds date back to that MTV Unplugged taping when he wrote “PRO-CHOICE” on his arm with a Sharpie during a song. (Sidebar: What?) We wonder how he would react if he knew he had not only broken our hearts, but has essentially murdered the dreams of a lovelorn 13-year-old. He is the “Scott’s Tots” of ’90s babies, implying promises he could not keep. We know we’re not alone. The first wife didn’t count. We hope, when he is writing his first song after he has another ball and chain, he will remember us and know that we are watching old Pearl Jam videos over and over in the dark, weeping into our pillow. Man, we so would have hit that! VEDDER DON’T DO IT! :’( x infinity.

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